From Backroads to Broadway

When our trip to San Francisco rolled around in August 2011 for the destination wedding of our friends Mary and Nigel, I was ready for a return visit; I had been to the Bay Area 4 times before (twice mainly for work), but it had been several years, plus now I would see it through the eyes of someone who was making their first visit. San Francisco itself was a “treat”, and we did touristy things: Chinatown, the pier, and walking on to the Golden Gate Bridge, to name a few.

However, our time in Napa and Sonoma was the star of the trip. Mary and Nigel took care of every detail for their guests (hotel recommendations, transportation to the rehearsal dinner and wedding, and a blow-out reception and dance), and it was special to witness Mary — a bubbly, crazy, thoughtful woman who had searched for the right companion for so long — pledge her love and life to Nigel, a kind, wonderful, funny man and the perfect low-key complement to her.

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After having cocktails with Mary Ostroot and Nigel Ryder shortly after they had started dating, it was easy to see how perfect they were together. Even in that short evening, it was obvious they were smitten!  So, when 2011 rolled around and their big day approached, Kirk and I took the opportunity to visit San Francisco on the way to their wedding in Sonoma!

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During our first few days, we wandered the city “directionally unencumbered.”  With only a Mapquest to follow and no more of a plan than, “Look over there!” Even though it wasn’t the MOST efficient way to sightsee, we did cover lots of ground!

Since we would have plenty of free time to blunder around the twisty town, we decided to split our San Francisco stay-some time before their wedding and a few days afterwards (to recuperate)!

As we zigzagged through the city, Kirk found Grace Cathedral.  Allowing ourselves time to walk the hallways and pay our respects for its history within our community, Kirk ambled along contentedly. Finding a particularly inviting labyrinth outside the cathedral, Kirk took a moment and attempted to center himself for a full eight Mississippis* (Mississippis: being the internationally recognized unit of meditative time.) before I ruined the serenity with my usual subtlety: “So, where are we going next?”

Eventually we made it to the site of the 1939 Golden Gate International Exposition (World’s Fair). We had fun walking around the site as Google dropped off bits of information to nibble on!

Later that day, we met Greg, Kirk’s friend, now a proud San Franciscan, and his friend Victor. Planning to enjoy some local cuisine and maybe a cocktail (or two, I mean who REALLY keeps track on vacation?), we waited near our meeting spot. As we waited to meet them, a pair of drag queens in Pan Am uniforms sashayed by like a technicolor fever dream.

Naturally, Kirk couldn’t resist; immediately engaging them in conversation, he asked if they would mind taking a group pic with us! The queens, glittering in their glamorous getups, graciously gathered around us, happy to oblige!  My only regret is I’ve somehow managed to lose that snapshot and can only hope to find it someday floating out in the ethernet…..

Thankfully, although that evening was overflowing with drinks, dancing and merriment, MOST of the evidence has been erased and I can claim “No memory as my alibi!”

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By the time our calves were starting to rebel from all the uphill climbs, it was time to switch gears and head to Sonoma for the wedding. Kirk reminded me, as I was fine-tuning my reclining seat, that I wouldn’t have time for a nap on this particular drive.  Instead, he plopped the Mapquest Navigational Guidebook into my lap and told me to “navigate.” Had I failed to tell him how I once FLUNKED Land Navigation in the Army?  Did he not realize I was known to get lost just going to the restroom?!? Surprisingly, we only had to course correct twice before arriving at the hotel. 

Sonoma greeted us like a romance novel…..sun-dappled vineyards, golden hills, and the fresh scent of lavender and wild sage floating in the breeze. It was immediately obvious why Mary and Nigel had chosen this destination. It was perfectly, perfect for them!

The night before the wedding, Mary and Nigel hosted a feast! Surrounded by their family and close friends, the handsome couple were quick to join in on the lighthearted teasing and colorful japes, occasionally tossing out a saucy wisecracks to level the playing field back in their favor!

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The wedding itself was as amazing as anyone could hope for. The winery was stunning, filled with sculptures and secret corners; obviously it had been designed by someone who really knew how to create special moments….like this one! Throughout the ceremony, everyone watched as Mary and Nigel exchanged heartfelt vows; the entire valley seemed to pause while they quietly exchanged their rings with tenderness and care.

Before their reception, Kirk, Trish, Brent, and a few cheerful co-conspirators humored my insistence on photos. We posed in front of anything that didn’t move. The result? Photographic gold — some of it even in focus! Once the reception was over and the tables had been cleared away, the evening became a blur of music and questionable dance moves!  Not to be discouraged, I kept shutter-bugging away with a camera, not realizing my finger was at least halfway covering the lens on 90% of the pics! Still, we got one or two shots that prove joy is often blurry and underexposed!

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Returning to San Francisco, we once again checked in at the Hotel California, which—yes—came with all the lyrical implications. The halls (and rooms) were adorned with the song lyrics of former guests, scripted in paint throughout the hotel. Kirk especially enjoyed that little quirk and was caught more than once singing along to the tune lyrics as we walked down the hallway.

Before leaving, we squeezed in more sightseeing, including a brave attempt to walk the Golden Gate Bridge. This started as a romantic idea and quickly became a test of stomach and nerves. About halfway across, I concluded that suspension bridges and vertigo make poor travel companions. We turned back before I turned green.

Fisherman’s Wharf, of course, was obligatory. Crowded, gaudy, irresistible. Kirk found a hoodie within six minutes. I did too, because peer pressure is real, and also because it was soft.

We ended our day of wandering in Chinatown, where every restaurant looked like a dare. I was ready to dive into something steaming and spicy. Kirk, however, took one look at a duck hanging in the window and decided he was emotionally unprepared. We exited with grace and a twinge of hunger.

Our final stop before heading home was Clarion Alley. This mural-covered corridor of visual chaos was a technicolor screech in a monochromatic world. We stomped and squinted and took it all in—and vowed to seek out more of these vibrant little marvels in future travels.

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As with so many of life’s most joyful moments, our time in San Francisco felt all too brief. We had an incredible trip, made all the more meaningful by celebrating Mary and Nigel’s wedding—a day filled with light, laughter, and love.

But life doesn’t always follow the script we hope for. Not long after their vows, Nigel was diagnosed with liver and colon cancer. Together, he and Mary faced that battle with a strength that was humbling to witness. Even in his final days at M.D. Anderson, when Kirk and I visited them one last time, Nigel still found ways to smile, to joke—his spirit unmistakably present. Mary never left his side, gently smoothing his hair, holding his hand, loving him through every moment.

I’m deeply grateful to have known Nigel. Our time together was short, but the impact he left was lasting. His devotion to Mary, their courage in the face of the unimaginable—it’s something I will always carry with me. They may not have gotten the fairytale ending they deserved, but their story was still a beautiful one—full of heart, grace, and undeniable love.